Living Fully Now: Navigating Societal Pressures. Escaping Regrets and Finding Authentic Joy with Dr. Melvin Varghese

In this episode, I'm joined by psychologist and host of the Selling The Couch podcast, Dr. Melvin Varghese.

We share personal experiences of going through difficult times,
challenging the traditional notion of retirement, exploring the pressure to constantly achieve, the distraction of social media and the importance of listening to one's intuition and taking breaks.

Takeaways

• Building real relationships online is possible.
• Success should be defined by more than just financial achievements; it should also include time with loved ones and personal fulfillment.
• Experiencing different cultures can provide a more holistic perspective on life and help appreciate the humanity in others. 
• Relationships are key indicators of longevity and happiness.
• The good and bad of social media.
• The importance of rest, self-care, and designing our days.
• Living with future generations in mind 

Chapters

00:00
Introduction and Building Real Relationships Online

02:59
Living a Well-Rounded Life: Designing a Life of Relationships and Experiences

06:00
Challenging the Traditional Notion of Retirement

08:46
The Pressure to Constantly Achieve and the Importance of Taking Breaks

13:50
Lessons from Two Cultures: Achievement and Appreciation

22:43
Finding Joy in the Present Moment

25:39
The Power of Genuine Connections and Relationships

26:48
Finding Balance and Mindfulness in Social Media

27:37
Prioritizing Self-Care and Rest

35:44
Designing Our Days for a Fulfilling Life

45:53
Living in the Present and Considering the Future

Guest Bio

Melvin Varghese, PhD is a licensed psychologist in Philadelphia, PA.

In 2015, Dr. Varghese founded Selling The Couch, a podcast to help therapists move from clinical to online income.

The podcast is one of the top Career podcasts in Apple Podcasts, has been downloaded over 1.8 million times, and is heard in over 125 countries.

Dr. Varghese also founded several resources for therapists transitioning from the therapist chair to online income including a podcasting community for therapists that’s supported over 240 therapist podcasters, an online course mastermind for therapists launching their first online course (50+ students), and a mastermind for veteran course creators to find support growing and scaling their course.

Links to favorites mentioned in the episode (not sponsored.)

• Slant Board
• BedJet

If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a review and share with a few friends so we can all help each other Remember to Live.

To connect with and learn more about me and how I am Remembering to Live, you can find me on Instagram @coreancanty or at coreancanty.com.

To work with me and explore freebies, check out: https://coreancanty.com/links/

If you are ready to re-imagine, re-claim and re-design your life, book a possibility call today.

Transcript

Corean Canty (00:02.308)
Hello, hello, hello, Melvin. I'm so excited to have you on the Remember to Live podcast today.

Melvin Varghese (00:08.398)
Corean I well, I'm incredibly honored to be here. I'm so glad LinkedIn out of all places has connected us and yeah, just really looking forward to our conversation today.

Corean Canty (00:19.792)
Yeah, it's amazing how many new friends I've made off of that platform in the last couple of years. And when you get a chance to talk in person, it's like, feel like we already know each other.

Melvin Varghese (00:32.054)
Yeah, yeah, I think, I don't know, the more I do social media, the more I've realized the best part of social media is the real relationships that come out of it and the friendships, you know, and I think you can take it from online to offline. It's just all the better.

Corean Canty (00:49.104)
Yeah, it's not, it's definitely not all bad. Some people think you can't build real relationships online, but you can definitely.

Melvin Varghese (00:55.726)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%. And I think there's also something to like, I feel like like minded people attract like minded people, right? Like, we have a, I think we have like a gentle sort of, like accepting presence. And I feel like a lot of the people that we both follow and who engage with our stuff also seem to have that as well.

Corean Canty (01:14.896)
Yeah, I would agree. So to get us started, I like to start the podcast with the same question. And that is for you in your definition, what does it mean to live a life and to live one well?

Melvin Varghese (01:33.08)
Such a good question. Man, we're starting with the easy questions,

Melvin Varghese (01:40.78)
my mind is going to so many places with this. So one, would say.

Melvin Varghese (01:48.524)
designing a life and a business that I would want to live in retirement, but being able to do that like before, way well before retirement. Particularly for me, you know, we have a five year old at home and she was two months premature and that going through that whole NICU experience and everything, I think it really taught me

I don't want just revenue to be the measure of success, business -wise. I wanted time with my family to be another important indicator. So yeah, so I would say it's some combo of those things. And then I think my faith informs a lot of how I try to see the world, even the things that we contribute to. And so.

trying to look at things also through the lens of faith and also, you know, I identify as Christian. And so I think just remembering like all of these things, these quote unquote treasures were building here on earth, you know, ultimately like, what does it matter? So I'm just trying to be so mindful about that.

Corean Canty (03:03.228)
Yeah.

Yeah, and I appreciate you sharing this story. My daughter also was a NICU when she was born, so I definitely know how that can give you a whole different perspective on life and just what's really important. One of the things that I love that you mentioned

is this idea of retirement, right? So we've grown up in a world where we've been told, you know, work really, really, really hard for 40 or 50 years. And then one day, one day in the future, you get to live this life.

And you're realizing like, no, I want to live that life now. So how do I build that life now? Because I think we see that that's not necessarily what happens in real life, especially as our parents get older and we're seeing people retire as we age and get to this point where they think they're going to still have quality of life and health and be vibrant, but they've kind of

given it all away by putting work first for so many years and not taking care of themselves and not having the joy that they could have been having.

Melvin Varghese (04:17.186)
Right? Yeah, I think.

It's one of the, I think the biggest myths, one of capitalism and then two, think just of like Western society. I think one of the biggest blessings for me has been I was being born in India and then spending a decent chunk of my childhood, like basically the summers I would live in India with my grandparents and then school year would be here in the US. And so I think just living in two cultures like that and seeing what was valued

prioritized. I think it just gave me a more holistic perspective. And then I think like what you're saying, you're both in seasons where we have aging parents and all of these things and you realize, like you're so grateful for their sacrifice. And yet you're like keenly aware, it's like proverbial.

you know, retire at 65. But I think that assumes somehow you have like great health or like it's almost like a vacuum definition of it. And I just don't know if that's the reality. Yeah. I think the final thing around that is also for me personally, like, have you come across that palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware and her work? Yeah.

Corean Canty (05:23.632)
Yeah.

Corean Canty (05:40.73)
Yes, yes, a lot of what I do is based off of her book, The Five Regrets of the Dying. Yeah.

Melvin Varghese (05:44.3)
Nice, nice. So, I mean, that book, right? That was so seminal for me because at the crux of it, people most regretted that the relationships that they missed out on and then the risks that they didn't take, right? And I've just come to realize like...

you know, my partner and I were not like, we don't have like an extravagant lifestyle. We're pretty like, you know, what really matters to us is like focusing on experiences and focusing on time with loved ones. And I just realized, like, I think those are, it's possible to build that now versus waiting until later.

Corean Canty (06:27.909)
Yeah, I think.

watching my mom be in her end of life regrets, right? Like watching her get to the point where her mind and body just no longer can do what it used to do. So there's things that were on the list that she's just never going to be able to do. And that makes you realize like how many of us end up with this big pile of regrets because we put everything else first, especially when you look at how simple those five regrets are.

like they're very simple if you're intentional about it in life and I think that that's important and one of the things that I appreciate you bringing up too is like you're choosing your lifestyle you're choosing how you want to live you're not buying into the fact that you have to

you know, grow your business and become a multimillionaire and have all the material things and live like this cookie cutter ideal of success we've been taught, but defining your own success, because I know you've had a practice and started a business and you're getting to a point where you realize like exactly how you want to design your life.

Melvin Varghese (07:44.45)
Yeah, I mean, think it's just, it's the wisdom of think of aging and, you know, again, going through that whole NICU experience, I think that that centers you in a new and different way, you know, when, I mean, there was a, I don't really usually share this online, but Corrine, there was like a moment where,

My partner was in like, they said you basically have to do emergency C -section. And so I, and they would not let me in into that room because they just thought like it was just too risky. So I'm sitting in this like cold hallway and I can hear like the surgical team on the other side of this door. And you know, there's a moment where.

I thought I had lost both my wife and my child because like we didn't hear or I didn't hear the crying like the baby's crying for like several seconds and turned out the anesthesia they had given my partner like went into the child went into the baby for a little bit and then she was kind of like you know had to get like alerted back and so

Corean Canty (08:47.098)
Mm -hmm. Yeah.

Melvin Varghese (08:52.012)
I don't know. think when you go through these experiences, it really makes you wonder and think about like, what am I building? and why am I building it? And I think the bigger thing for me, at least I don't think I thought this in my thirties, but now I think I think about it more in my forties is like, at what pace do I want to build things? You know, which is very different than I think mainstream social media.

And it's not that I don't feel that pressure because I definitely do, but it's like, you know, I don't know. It's like, I want to enjoy the journey, but I don't have to like build it in a way that takes time away from my family or, know, for an extended time, right? Or it's like not kind to my like nervous system, you know? Yeah.

Corean Canty (09:22.81)
Yeah,

Corean Canty (09:43.248)
that part, that part having suffered full burnout and ended up in the hospital and body shut down. Pace is important in if you're just constantly on the go and you're never making time for rest or to slow down or to recharge. Like your body takes a toll. I think a lot of us.

feel it, I call it the whispers and the roars. Like we'll start to feel the whispers, but we just keep going because we have that constant like, when I hit this milestone, then I'll get rest, then I'll slow down. And then one day your body has to roar and it stops. you're forced to slow down. And I prefer not to be forced anymore to listen to my body and like take the time.

in living and that's partly why I call this podcast Remember to Live is because we are so busy doing all these things for an outcome in the future that we forget to live in the moment while it's happening.

Melvin Varghese (10:45.24)
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I think

Melvin Varghese (10:54.126)
For me, and this is probably been one of the hardest pieces of this, is when I hear the whisper, not trying to bypass it with...

just work harder, like don't be lazy, you know, because that's usually the counter. There's actually a weird roar that comes in that whisper, right? And just realizing, I don't know, I'm a big basketball like person and I've just been like, looking at, you know, both WNBA and the NBA and like, they have in season and they have off season, right? There's a reason why athletes do this. And why can we not apply that same

Corean Canty (11:29.67)
Right, yeah.

Melvin Varghese (11:37.601)
to business as well because it just seems like a more sustainable model. But it's hard because that's not the mainstream advice, you know? I mean, we're both active on LinkedIn and I know I feel it. It's like a lot of the mainstream advice is post like seven times a week, two times a day on LinkedIn and you're guaranteed growth. Probably true, but at what cost, you know?

Corean Canty (12:00.816)
Right. And then there's that pressure or fear of like, I can't take a break because then I'll fall behind or I'll miss out. But a metaphor I use a lot with my clients too, is like, we can't run a marathon every day. Nobody, nobody can handle running a marathon every day. Yet we try both mentally and physically, even though we're not running, we're not allowing ourselves real rest.

Corean Canty (12:29.482)
I that. I love the idea of off season. in there's two things you made me think of. One is, is the counter kind of feeling because I remember the first week I no longer had my corporate role when after I left my last corporate role and during my entire corporate career.

I never actually took a break in between roles. It's, I might've had a week or two, but like I already had access to the new stuff. So it's like, let me just dive in and get ahead. And like, you always had it on your phone, right? And at the point of my career when we had cell phones, because when I started, that wasn't as much of a thing as now for work. But I remember that first week, the first couple of days, it was like, yeah, I can, I'm gonna take a break. And then like literally by like the third or fourth day,

I started getting this feeling like, like you said, I'm just being lazy. I need to do something. And I found myself starting to create busy things to do to feel the pressure because it wasn't, I didn't have the IMs. I didn't have the emails. didn't have something that I constantly was calling me. And so I started just to make up things and then I caught myself like, I've built the habit of feeling the pressure in my body.

And because that became my baseline for so long, like I'm unconsciously trying to create

Melvin Varghese (13:53.742)
Can I ask you a question? Because I have a theory on this. So I do feel like people generally struggle with this. I do think women and BIPOC folks particularly struggle with this given trauma around it. I can just share for myself, child of immigrants.

Corean Canty (13:55.238)
Of

Melvin Varghese (14:18.474)
my parents immigrated from India, I was born in India. And I felt like, and I remember my parents often saying like, we're moving to the US to give like better educational opportunities for you and your brother. And I feel like, and I don't think they ever explicitly said it. But what I felt often is I can't rest. Like I just got to keep pushing, you know, and I don't know, I would love to like hear how you think about it.

Corean Canty (14:47.878)
Yeah, I think it's twofold.

My father died very, when I was very young and watching my mother constantly worry about money or what was going to happen or needing someone to take care of her or just kind of feeling her pressure. And then I became a mother at a very young age. I had my daughter, my senior year of high school. And so I always had someone else to take care of. And so all through college and building my career, I was a single mom. My son came along in college.

And there was no one else to do it. Like outside of my father who had passed, I was the only one in my family who went to college. I was the only one who like most of my family didn't even graduate from high school. So there was this pressure of this is I have to. even had a leader once who we had we're just kind of sitting and chatting and getting to know each other. She's probably one of my favorite leaders that I've ever had.

but we had a very open and honest conversation and she asked if she could ask me a question too. And she said, you know, as I learn your personal story, and she's a white woman, and she said, as I learn your personal story, in so many ways, society would think you would have become a statistic. These things that we hear about that happens when you grow up in the environment you grew up in, or you have babies earlier and all these things. And she's like,

But you haven't and you've done so much. And she's like, what was, what was the reason for it? And when she said that I had never even, was like, I didn't feel like I had a choice. Like to me, there was no other choice than to just go and do and keep going and working and building and building a life for my kids. so something in me, like you said, you just, you just gotta go, you gotta work. gotta, I've always had two or three jobs up until, or a side hustle or something. Cause I

Corean Canty (16:46.546)
I felt like I could just have one thing and then go rest because there was more I needed to do or achieve not even for me but for the people I was responsible

Melvin Varghese (16:59.214)
Yeah, thank you for sharing that. mean, it's something I struggle a lot with. And especially, think, we were talking about LinkedIn as an example, right? I feel like that sort of pull of like, here's how to grow. You see people growing by posting more frequently. And it really triggers that part of me that is used to going 150, thinking like that's normal.

It's hard.

Corean Canty (17:31.474)
Yeah. One of the things when it comes to like content creation and building a business is I had to stop listening to people from a business perspective, right? So I've spent 20 years in media marketing advertising. Like I know how to do it. Like I have the formula. I've done it for the biggest brands in the world. And when I started applying that to myself and what I wanted to build, it felt so much like

work and not like fun, but I'm a very creative person. Like my whole childhood, I thought I was going to go to art school. I thought I was going to do all these things, but then I became a mom and I said, well now I can't do that because society is telling me to be a successful mother and a responsible mom. You have to go to this type of school and get this type of degree and have this type of job and do all of these things.

But I love to create when it's just coming from a place of me and my creativity and not checking boxes that someone else gave me. And so when I'm in the mood and I'm flowing and I'm and there are days when I post every day, but it's because I was inspired by something and I wanted to create and I'm doing it not because of the numbers and not checking the analytics all day long and in seeing the likes. It's I feel like I have something to say and I spent a lot of my life.

probably not using my voice in the way that I should. And when I look around at what's happening in the world and in our lives, and it's like, this is why I do it. Because if there's one person today that hears this message and something shifts in their life and they get back to more of the living, then that's why I do it. But it's hard, right? Because you do, you see the numbers and the tickers and people talking about it and

all the success they're having and you're like, I want that too, you

Melvin Varghese (19:24.684)
Yeah, right. Yeah, it's a, it's definitely a fine balance. I like what you said about that. Cause I think recently, like, I mean, this summer, at least for the last month and a half, I had really pulled back on LinkedIn. and just to kind of pace and you know, we were away and all of that kind of stuff. Then recently I was like, you know what? I think we've got a pretty good flow with like content where it's almost like we got to, we have a flywheel going.

And let me just experiment with posting Monday through Friday, you know, because we were, and I was like, even until two weeks ago, we would post our podcast episodes on Saturdays. And then I was like, you know what, like I'm, I can never actually be there. It's getting auto posted. like trying to like, you know, get our kiddo dressed for something or something's happening on Saturday mornings. I was like, you know what, like, what would it be Justin post on weekends?

Corean Canty (20:16.412)
You

Melvin Varghese (20:24.17)
and just kind of focus on what we're doing. But thank you for saying that, because I think there's a part of me, I'm like, am I overstretching myself? It doesn't feel like it right now, but so.

Corean Canty (20:39.403)
And when I feel like I really need to take a break, I take a break. And yeah, yeah.

Melvin Varghese (20:42.796)
Yeah, and I think that's the biggest thing, right? I think that's the one thing I've realized is the ultimate, one of the ultimate like, wisdoms of like business growth is learning to trust your intuition, right? And saying like, like you said, the whisper, like saying, here's whisper, okay, I'm gonna dial that down because I know if I just keep letting it exist.

I know where this is going to end up two months from now.

Corean Canty (21:13.872)
Yeah. I'm curious how the fact that you grew up experiencing these two different cultures and so I've never been to India, but I do have friends who've shared their childhood experiences and I know it's just like anywhere else different if you grow up in a city or you grow up in a rural place or a slower place. I'm curious to know kind of what did what did the two different cultures teach you?

And how does that kind of help you know that you are designing your life to show up fully and have this experience with your family? Like, what are you pulling from each of the cultures that you feel is beneficial and what do you feel like is probably the thing you should let go of?

Melvin Varghese (22:02.632)
I can start with the let go of, because I knew that one immediately, that my identity is on achievement.

That's, I think, the biggest one. I mean, there's that sort of like myth, right? And it is a myth, the, particularly among South Asians, right? Like there's the model minority, right? So myth, which is, you know, if you're Indian, that means you're a doctor, lawyer, engineer, and then you, you know, live in a really nice house, you know, whatever, whatever, right?

Melvin Varghese (22:39.704)
But I'm seeing so many of my friends in their 40s, like having health issues, burnt out, know, marriages breaking apart. And I

Melvin Varghese (22:59.394)
we're really just, I think, starting to realize the compromises that are being made to achieve that level of achievement, know, and to sustain that. So that's like the number one, definitely the biggest thing of letting go. The thing I've learned,

Melvin Varghese (23:21.56)
to appreciate what you have and not what I think I needed to have.

For some reason, I've never shared this story, but for some reason when you asked that question, came to mind. One of my trips to India, usually we took public transportation. So there's like, we call them private buses or the state buses, right? And so I think we were at one of the, in this city where it was like the state bus stand, right? And we walk out of the bus stand and there's a...

people begging on the sides, right, of the road, right? And one of the folks begging, he was making combs, like, out of something and just like sitting on a, like, I think it was just like a tarp from like an old, like,

bag of rice, you know, and that's where he was sitting and he was making these combs that he was selling. And I remember like being in middle school and thinking about contrast between the US and that image, right, at least where we were in the US. And then I just remember like, there was a

There was like a joy of dignity to even what he was doing. Like he was not embarrassed by it, you know? And so I think it's allowed me, I think.

Melvin Varghese (25:05.838)
to see people and give people the benefit of their doubt. Yeah. I I talked nuance briefly about faith, but I really do believe that for me, we're not the grace of God that I get to live here.

my parents chose to immigrate that I get to be born in this season, right of this time period. And yeah, so I think it's just

One of the things I think just generally, think going back to India is like seeing the disparity, you know, I feel like it's even more pronounced there than here in the States between wealth and not having wealth. It makes you really appreciate the humanity and others.

Corean Canty (25:59.75)
Yeah, I think that's the thing I am most grateful for and appreciate the most about the fact that I've been able to travel to different places and that during my travels, I don't always just like go to a resort, which they're nice, but like I love the trips where you go and you get to actually experience a different culture and be ingrained in it and see there's so many different ways that people live in the world.

There's so many different levels of having in the world, but yet at each of those levels, you see people who experience joy. And at each of those levels, you see people who are miserable, right? So you can, I've seen people and I've worked with people who have wealth beyond anything they would ever need, yet there's no joy in their life. And I've seen people with nothing.

and wake up happy every day. And that's what really makes me believe that we have a choice in our experience of life.

Melvin Varghese (27:11.618)
Yeah, I think that's so well said. I think one of my most fond memories of India was just how everything was built around like relationships. You know that,

Okay, you're gonna, we're gonna go visit here for like four o 'clock chai. And it's not just like a, you know, we're gonna just stop in and then hang out there for 10 minutes and leave. Like it ends up into a deeper conversation. How are things like it's, I don't know. I think it's just given me such an appreciation for how powerful and cleansing relationships are in our lives. And

Yeah, it's just it's something I try to always now.

Melvin Varghese (28:04.418)
really be mindful of, know, particularly I think also as a, forgot the exact stat, but I read this like really like crazy stat about like how a very high proportion of men don't have a best friend. And I just thought, wow, like, my gosh, that's like heartbreaking, you know?

Corean Canty (28:26.802)
I couldn't, I don't know what I would do without my best friends. I actually have a lot of best friends. I feel super grateful. I have a lot of lifelong best friends. And when I see people who don't have that, it does, breaks my heart. Cause it's like, I don't know how I would make it through a lot of things in life if I didn't have those people. Yeah.

Melvin Varghese (28:29.324)
Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Melvin Varghese (28:43.564)
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think it speaks to like socialization, conditioning, gender roles, like all of that kind of stuff too, right? Like, yeah, we recently like, you know, went back to visit family in Texas and there was like a moment where I thought, you know, like, could we see ourselves moving back to Texas and...

I came to realize is like, and like the relationships I have here are so deep and so strong and so real. Like it's really, that would be the hardest thing to let go of, you know?

Corean Canty (29:19.238)
Yeah. Yeah, I remember reading research recently where it said that the quality of our relationships is such a key indicator to longevity and happiness in our lives. And they even showed that. Did you watch that show that was on Netflix that was like live to a hundred? It was where they went to all the different blue zones.

Melvin Varghese (29:47.756)
yeah, yeah, I saw the previews for it . I didn't get chance to watch it. Worth watching.

Corean Canty (29:52.37)
Yeah, what I loved about it is, because we hear a lot about like the Mediterranean and like associate that but they went to all different parts of the world, even like cities and different parts of the world and different countries. And then at the end, they break it down into like the top five things where all these people who live over 100.

good quality of life over 100 because you can live a long time and have many, years of poor quality of life and relationships. And like you said, like the tea in the afternoon and the social gathering and having a sense of community was such a huge part of that. And it just makes me think about how disconnected we are in so many ways, especially here in Western society, right? Like

We are lucky enough to be present in our lives and have genuine connections and be able to find people online, but there's so much that's not genuine. And there's so many people who don't have real connections and never look up from their phones. And I know you as being a therapist and helping people as they may be struggling with loneliness and not being connected. feel like we're also in a world that

fosters disconnection and that is why I think it's even more important to build community in any way that we can.

Melvin Varghese (31:16.632)
Yeah, right. Yeah, I mean, it's everything you said is like so beautifully said. I think it's one of the biggest conflicts I have even with social media, right? Like I'm like keenly aware that.

the number of followers I have does not equal the quality and depth of relationships, right? And in fact, if I lean too hard, which is what all these social media platforms meant to do, right? These algorithms, right? Post more, create this content, post more frequently, like whatever it is, right? But it creates these weird relationships where you think like somehow your self -worth is wrapped up

your 50 ,000 followers or whatever, you know, and, but I think, I think the way that we're thinking about it, I think it's probably a healthier way, which is maybe it's not about the followers, maybe it's about the depth of connections. Who is it that we're resonating with and how do we take those offline and build friendships and support each other, you know?

Corean Canty (32:26.194)
Yeah, I recently I've been doing more just posting on other networks. I've been consistent on LinkedIn for a long time, but I've been having fun creating content and testing out the other platforms. Part of my, you know, 20 years in advertising and marketing is like, let me test these things and see what's going on.

But the one thing I realized that I genuinely get more excited about is not how many people looked at the video or checked the like or the heart or whatever. It's when I get a comment or question that's like turns into a conversation. It's like when you make a real connection. I think that the engagement is what I care about the most, like real engagement, not fake engagement. Yeah.

Melvin Varghese (33:05.644)
Yeah. Yeah.

Melvin Varghese (33:13.014)
Yeah, yeah, right. I think that is, that's the magic of social media. It's hard though, like, this is the one piece I struggle with, which is, I try to be very thoughtful about how long I spend on social media. But then sometimes these relate, like those back and forths, they can.

go for a while, right? So I don't know, how do you balance that? Because I feel like sometimes I struggle with that piece of it, you know.

Corean Canty (33:43.174)
Yeah, I can struggle too. I think we all can just get, down the rabbit hole, right? And just kind of get sucked in and stay there and look up and like, an hour later, an hour later, I don't know what happened. But what I also recognize is I've really been focused on the fact like I want to actually move my body.

Melvin Varghese (33:54.04)
Yeah.

Corean Canty (34:08.42)
And I start to feel it in my body and my eyes and my just like, I'm sitting there for a while. realized like, haven't moved. So that's been kind of like my hack is, especially as I age and like you said, in the forties, I'm learning a lot about myself, right? And one of the things is if we don't move, we're going to stop moving. We're not going to be able to move anymore. And we spend a lot of time sitting. So

I'll say, okay, if I want to keep scrolling, then let me get up and walk into it. And then it's kind that's not really easy to do, right? So at least you can kind of get yourself out of it, but it is, it's hard because it's designed, it's designed to grab our attention. It's designed to suck us in. So that's why I do a lot of mindfulness practices and learn to be present in the moment.

and learn to check in with my nervous system and just see where I'm at. And like some days it's like, cool, I'm gonna sit here and scroll for an hour because that's what I feel like doing. And the content is fun and it makes me laugh and that's fine. But if it starts being like every day for multiple hours, then I'm like, okay, let me, let me get back to like real life for a minute.

Melvin Varghese (35:17.966)
Yeah, I like that. Yeah, I'm a big proponent of being outside as well. think one of the best recent things that I did or post pandemic is I started breaking up my day into two mini days and in the middle is like a 45 minute hike followed by 25 minute power nap.

Corean Canty (35:45.35)
I love that

Melvin Varghese (35:46.1)
And then, and then even within the two days, like mornings tend to be like deep work, and then afternoons tend to be like, learning, writing, reflecting, kind of. And I feel like that's been really I like that pace. I don't know if it works for everybody. But like, I just, I feel more grounded in it.

Corean Canty (36:11.376)
Yeah. That's one of the things I work on with my coaching clients a lot is designing our days because in the big scheme of things, that's the only place that life happens is like your day. And so many people are spending their lives and they have the calendar. They're figuring out what to do, but it's based off some future thing happening or tell me how to get this next title or tell me how to get this raise or what is somebody else doing? they're successful. Let me.

Design my day just like them. But really when you push all that away and you think of like, well, what would my ideal day be? Like my perfect day of living knowing that we won't ever have it every day. But like if we can allow ourselves to get really real about what that would be, and start to use that as our North Star instead of a title or a job or a external validation point, it becomes a lot easier to make decisions in life.

And knowing that we can change it because we go through seasons and like, think the first part of our day and the last part of our day are the most important parts of the day. I call it our sacred brackets. And I feel like when you first wake up, like fill your cup first because we tend to want to give so much and do so much for others as humans. We're genuinely want to give and are good, but we can't pour from an empty cup. And if we don't make the time to do at least something to fill ourselves to

care of ourselves first. So no matter what happens after that, we've taken care of ourselves and then building some sort of routine or ritual where you come back to yourself at the end of the day and release the day and let it go because it's done and there's nothing you can do about it. So don't let it keep you from resting. I feel like those those two things can make such a difference. And then I love how you've like looked at the middle of your day and designed it. I think that's

a practice that can make a huge difference in your life, but it's such a small thing to just get intentional about how you shape your days.

Melvin Varghese (38:15.148)
Yeah, thanks for saying that. mean, part of it was practical. Like everybody kept saying drink coffee. And I was like, that hurts my stomach. I can't, I think I just need a rest. And, but it's been great. Like, and again, I realized there's like not everyone has the luxury and all that. And honestly, I've only been able to build this like many, many years in, but yeah, I just, I think this is, it feels more kind.

Corean Canty (38:22.613)
Yeah.

Melvin Varghese (38:46.654)
to the nervous system. We were talking about that earlier. So, and it feels more sustainable, you

Corean Canty (38:53.138)
Yeah, yeah. And like, why did we ever start thinking naps were a bad thing? Like, we know them, we watch the wonders that it does for our kids. So what makes us think that it's bad for us?

Melvin Varghese (38:58.626)
Right. yeah, I know.

Melvin Varghese (39:09.41)
Yeah, I mean, that was one of the things in India, like my grandfather, he would make my brother and I like take a nap every day and he would take one too. And so like, I was like, and you do, you feel so much better, right? Like, yeah.

Corean Canty (39:17.232)
Yeah.

Corean Canty (39:28.89)
I love that. Like if you're tired, rest, but we're so used to saying, well here, take this energy drink or this substance or this something to just push through. So I think there's a theme here of knowing when to give your body a little bit of rest.

Melvin Varghese (39:43.884)
Yeah, and there's like, yeah, there's messages around what it means, right? When we don't or, you know, like if we choose to rest, right? Like, resting is not laziness. Resting is often a lot of times about letting us pace and listening to our like, I, you know, I think of it almost like our inner child, you know.

Corean Canty (40:03.087)
Yeah. So I have a few questions to this kind of, I think are a little bit fun. And so you, you, you, the first question I usually ask is what's your favorite part of the day? I'm guessing it's the middle, but there might be a different part of the day. That's your favorite part of the day.

Melvin Varghese (40:23.752)
man, middle is probably right, but I do love, like I get up early and I love like, yeah, you talked about filling from a cup. I usually do have, no, I'm going to say the middle. The combo of the hike on my hikes usually talk, like catch up with a friend. So I kind of double dip on it. And then I will grab a quick shower, grab a power nap and then wrap up a couple hours.

Corean Canty (40:42.211)
Yes!

Corean Canty (40:50.672)
I love that. It's like a whole well -being failure cup session in the middle of the day too, because we talked about how important relationships are and we feel like we never have time to connect with people when we have really busy schedules or lives. I don't like to use the word busy. I actually like to say full.

but busy is such a word that we throw out there all the time, right? Like I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm too busy for that. So when you can find ways to combine things that you know you need to do for yourself, like move your body and focus on relationships, I think that's like a beautiful life hack.

Thanks for sharing that. The other thing is, what's your current cozy? I love cozy things and I feel like some parts of life should be cozy. So what's your current favorite cozy?

Melvin Varghese (41:37.967)
My partner is going to be like, my gosh, you're totally going to say this, but.

You know, there's like eight sleep, right? Like the mattress thing, right? So there's another one called Bed Jet, which is like, I think this was on Shark Tank a couple of years ago. So literally, I'm gonna answer that literally. we recently, because I've been like really thinking about like, how do we all rest well? And so we have this like dual zone Bed Jet system where basically, like before,

I go to sleep, this jet basically shoots in hot air underneath the sheets. So it's nice and cozy. And then over through the night, I'll keep it at 20 % cooling. So it keeps me cool all night long. And I feel like the quality of my sleep is so much better. I've had good sleep traditionally, recently, but this is next level. So it's literally using a bed jet is really cozy recently.

Corean Canty (42:19.089)
wow.

Corean Canty (42:38.605)
I've never heard of that. So it's like you get in and you get to feel the like cozy snuggly, but then you also get the benefit of you sleep better when it's cooler.

Melvin Varghese (42:47.778)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I noticed, because like my, especially my legs, like I was like overheating, especially in the summers. And that was impacting my rest while I asleep. yeah, the bed jet is basically there's like a sheet that you connect the actual jet to. then.

there's an app and a remote and you can basically set it like I want it to cool or heat or whatever it is. And then it just shoots either hot air or cold air, but it does it, I guess it pulls the air from the ground like the ambient air and pushes it through. So it hasn't worked great when it was like a hundred degrees when we had the heat wave, but every other time, like it's been fantastic.

Corean Canty (43:25.934)
yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I feel like every summer is getting hotter and hotter as life goes on. So hopefully we do something about that as a people. What is or do you have a go to feel good song?

Melvin Varghese (43:48.166)
I really like old school stuff. the temptations, like, yeah, like, I don't know. My partner, I different, I'm writing jokes. She's like two pocket on like the temptations.

Corean Canty (43:54.146)
yeah!

Corean Canty (44:07.875)
And I love both, so that's, I love that, that's so fun. mean, who, well there's probably people who don't love Tupac. I don't know who doesn't love Tupac, but.

Melvin Varghese (44:16.552)
The lyrics are so good

Corean Canty (44:19.09)
What is one thing you do right now for your 80 year old self?

Melvin Varghese (44:28.682)
a slant board.

So I wish I could show you, but it's basically a board that looks like this. And I stand here and it stretches your hamstrings and your Achilles and your leg calf muscles.

Corean Canty (44:47.411)
I need to look that up. Yeah.

Melvin Varghese (44:48.682)
Yeah, it's a great, great purchase. Like a couple of my PT friends recommended it because they were like, you spend a lot of time in front of a computer. And also because I hike every day and I've had ACL repair. So I was like, let me just like stretch that out. Can I give you a second one too? I, in part of my night routine, I lay on this, if you're in a thing called like a bed of nails.

Corean Canty (44:53.798)
Mm

Corean Canty (45:16.89)
Is it like the, the, or I see the little ads and people that have all these little spikes on it? Yeah. Yeah.

Melvin Varghese (45:22.252)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the plastic one. there's one that I use is called the Prana mat eco. it's like, or what is that or a tech like the certified like no, no toxins is made of natural ingredients and stuff. But that thing is amazing to I lay on that for like five to seven minutes and do like a med like a meditation or a mindfulness routine at the end of the day. I feel like particularly with my shoulders if that just helps a ton, like release stress there.

Corean Canty (45:52.122)
I'm going to have check that out. have a sauna blanket, like a higher dose sauna blanket that I use. But I have been looking at different mats and things. I love having things at home that help you kind of reset your nervous system, give yourself your own kind of at home spa treatments whenever you want.

Melvin Varghese (46:04.514)
Yeah. Yep.

Melvin Varghese (46:09.77)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'm a big advocate of that as well.

Corean Canty (46:13.572)
Yeah, you'll have to shoot. You'll have to send me the links to those so that way I could put them in the show notes if anybody wants to check, check, check about. Yeah. And so the last question I have is how do you remember to live?

Melvin Varghese (46:20.62)
Yeah, check it out. Yeah, I'll deal with you.

Melvin Varghese (46:32.494)
I mean, I look at our daughter every day and I remember that it's not just about me, like this is her generation, know, one day she will become an adult. And so how do I both live in the moment being like, what values am I showing to her? But also like, how do I responsibly like steward?

Melvin Varghese (46:57.59)
life here, know, the earth, the resources and all of that for her generation.

Corean Canty (47:03.152)
Yeah, yeah, we don't think about that as often as I think we probably should, like what we're doing for the people who might not even be here yet. What are we gonna leave behind? Yeah. I love that. So Melvin, tell everyone how they can find you, where they can reach you, how they could work with you, what you have going on right now.

Melvin Varghese (47:27.116)
Yeah, absolutely. Well, Corrine, thank you again for this opportunity. I just like thoroughly enjoyed our conversation.

I'm a podcaster. So you can find the podcast over at selling the couch .com forward slash STC podcast. And I'm very active on LinkedIn. can just look my name up Melvin Varghese and definitely would love to connect with you there. I'm going back into I'm a psychologist by profession. And so really have a passion for working with what I call like

like high achievers who are navigating, who are on the surface, like very successful, but are also going through really hard seasons of life, particularly depression, anxiety, grief and loss. I think those are the areas that I really have lot of passion for.

Corean Canty (48:19.42)
Yeah, and it's definitely needed. Definitely. Thank you for the work you do and thank you for being such a light in all the spaces that we interact in. And I was so happy that you were able to be on the podcast today and I can share you with my whole community. So definitely find Melvin, connect with him because he is such a joy to have in your life.

Melvin Varghese (48:43.555)
Thank you again. Bye.